Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
