I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
True strength comes from lack of pants
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
