I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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