I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
