I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
