Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
