Define "chronic" masturbator.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Randomize
