I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
