Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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