When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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