I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
