I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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