The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
