you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
