at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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