your parents love me but you hate me
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Randomize
