I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Sober January is a disaster.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
