Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Randomize
