god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
