meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Randomize
