i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
