the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize
