I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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