did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
