I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
