My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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