I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
