Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
