Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
