So many bounce houses so little time
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
