So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
i love accidental penises.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
