if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
