In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
