I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
