so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
