I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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