The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
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Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
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You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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