just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
