I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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