do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
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