I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
