Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
