2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
