also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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