In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
being pregnant is like rehab
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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