I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
