I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
