The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
