You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Randomize
