I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
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