i need an iv and a liver transplant
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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