it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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