apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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