I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
